What do you do when you need people to visit your new blog?

Look I can’t post nudes yet! I need a few more posts before the hardcore stuff starts!

No, instead you latch on to the nearest controversial topic and shamelessly stand with the man, justifying his actions. So here follows few points to consider before you judge this man who’s just trying to do his job people. LEAVE TRUMP ALONE! ūüė¶

Point the First: Confidence is Bae

Trump has displayed some incredible characteristics that we can all learn from. He has shown us just how far you can get in life by having the self-confidence to believe in yourself no matter what people are saying about you. He is trying to reach out to those of us who sit crying in front of the TV guzzling ice cream and watching The Notebook, so down on ourselves that we can’t see our amazing characteristics and potential. He wants to teach us that believing in yourself pays off and that no goal is too high to aim for. How can you argue with someone who is trying to get people to believe in themselves?

I’m already following his advice. My new outlook on my morbidly obese body is:

“I’m not fat. My sexiness just overflows.”

I have a six pack btw. It’s chilling in the fridge.

El Secundo Punto (Blame Google Translator if that Spanish is wrong): If your own house is filthy, why are you helping your neighbour clean his?

The world¬†misunderstands John (yeah that’s his middle name. I, like many of you, assumed the J in “DONALD J TRUMP” stood for Jackass)¬†on many issues he raises that concern people who are not white, straight, conservative males. Let me ask you a few questions:

If your own ass is dirty, would you help your friend wipe his first?

Exactly, the answer to that is: depends on how good-looking the ass is. And some of you have some fiiiiiine asses.

People please! John is just trying to clean-up issues that affect himself and others like him first, before he starts helping the rest of us. He wants to sort out his own problems first, because as the saying goes, you can’t help others until you help yourself. Once he can sorts out those issues that affect white, straight, conservative males, he will totally start helping everyone else too. Give the man time! He hasn’t even been in the office for a week!

China built a wall and how many Mexicans do they have? Exactly!

Plus, he’s surrounding himself with people he obviously has close (if somewhat dodgy) ties with simply because he knows them well! He knows how good they can be in his administration. How many of you know your best friend so well that even though he did/is doing/will do dodgy shit, you know that he means well at the end of the day. Which brings me to…..

The Point before the Point after the 3rd Point: Second chances matter, no matter how badly they f*cked up the first time

Plenty of things have been said about his picks to fill key positions in his government. Some of these people many be donors to his party/campaign. Some of these people may be friends and business associates. Some of these people may even have shittier track records than that last Fantastic Four movie, but¬†The Don realises that everybody makes mistakes and that doesn’t mean that those people can’t learn from their mistakes and do better. Well either that or make it worse. Everybody deserves a shot at redemption.

The point remains, you can’t just write someone off because they have proven/will be inept at their job. They, just like all of us, deserve a second (or a third or a fourth) chance. How many of you wish that you were able to fill a position you dreamed about, but messed up so badly you weren’t even considered for it? You should be applauding his sense of forgiveness. You wish your husband would take you back after you cheated¬†on him for the third time with his new boss? Dammit, you should have married Trump then. He overlooks mistakes, no matter how big, damning, misguided or controversial.

“I promise honey. I won’t cheat again……….. unless he’s got 6 figures his bank account or 12 inches in his pants.”

Those are just three of many points I could make about why #IStandWithTrump. If you didn’t read my excellently crafted paragraphs above, then I now present to your lazy ass a little summary:

#IStandWithTrump because he demonstrates to people that confidence is the key, not whether you can perform the job well. You might not know how to fly a plane, but you can sure crash that thing with confidence. That’s what matters.

#IStandWithTrump because he knows that looking after yourself is more important that looking after other, less fortunate people. Once you are completely satisfied with your life, then you can start looking after others. Why should you care if your president doesn’t?

#IStandWithTrump because he looks after his friends and associates first (I mean, charity does begin at home) and they look after him. It’s the circle of life. Or just a circle jerk. You pick.

#IStandWithTrump because he’s all about forgiveness. Didn’t Jesus preach that too? Wouldn’t the Tower of Babylon just be an ancient version of the Wall of Trump?

Now excuse me while I go wipe my mouth. I’ve just been talking shit.So much shit my asshole is probably jealous of my mouth.

Some of you are probably pointing out that I typed this, so I should be saying that my asshole is jealous of my fingers instead. It’s not jealous though.

It has a pretty good relationship with them.





Dead baby joke!!!

What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?

Dart-boards don’t bleed.

If all you came for was another dead baby joke after my last post, I still thank you for visiting. Now scroll up and read my damn article. xoxo