You walk in everyday, looking at me but not seeing me. You take your seat and I take mine. Smiles are exchanged, information is shared and dare I say it, I feel a little love bloom. We go through this routine day after day, week after week. I sometimes feel like life is playing a cruel trick on me, putting us together like this. The smile comes easily, the plaster that holds the cracks in my facade together.
Life was different before you came in. There was a time where I went through this same routine day after day, week after week without change. Without something to look forward to. Without someone to look forward to.
Then it happened.
Like a cool summer breeze on a hot day, you walked into the same lecture as me and my life was refreshed. Slowly, but surely, that gentle breeze became a whirlwind, a hurricane as you upended my existence and forced me to confront not just my feelings, but my entire life. Until that day, I drifted through my time, getting pulled in one direction or the other, but then after a few moments, settling back into that random rhythm, seeing where the breeze would take me, but not really caring about the destination, or the journey. You took my endless drifting and gave me something to move towards.
Every day, step by step. I drifted closer and closer until, against all odds, we became friends. People looked at us weirdly at times because we were an odd pair with nothing in common. Completely different hobbies, circles of friends and outlooks on life. Life was an adventure to you, a journey meant to be experienced. Life was a struggle to me, trying to find something of meaning to keep pushing towards.
We did have something in common though. We both felt comfortable around the other person. I felt that we both saw something in each other and we just responded to it. We resonated with each other. I hadn’t felt this way in a long time about somebody, but just like a bud in spring, something started blooming, blossoming, becoming. We were affectionate; not kissing, but close enough. For once, I felt beautiful. A feeling I didn’t know I could have.
Numbers were exchanged after a while and things got better. I looked forward to seeing your name on the screen, wondering what you were up to. Conversations turned from normal college things to deeper, more meaningful exchanges about the past, present and future. You told me to watch a movie, described as the best movie you’ve ever seen. You insisted that it would change my life. Things weren’t the same after that.
It was a movie about love, about loss, about realizing your true purpose in life. A love story about two people who lived completely different lives, but realized that they were meant to be together. Against all odds, they managed to find a home in each other and made the best of the fleeting time they had left. I was in tears by the end. I asked you the next day if you’ve ever fallen for someone unexpected and wished that they would love you back the way you love them.
You said yes.
My heart raced.
You said her name was ____.
My heart stopped.
It’s difficult to admit that you’ve fallen in love with someone.
It’s worse to realise that they’re straight.